Indiana Jones circa 2008
Ever since we saw Han Solo barter with Obi-Wan Kenobi in Mos Eisley Cantina we have wondered. Ever since we saw that bullwhip snatch the gun from the guide’s hand in South America we have pondered. Which of these two individuals is more awesome? Well fear not friends for I have taken it upon myself to solve this riddle and pass on the answer to you!
I bet you’re asking yourself, “Self, why am I listening to this random guy give his input on the greatest debate known to man? What are his credentials?” Well, I’m glad you asked. First off, I have seen the respective trilogies countless times and I own both DVD box sets which I watch frequently. In third grade, when they re-released the original Star Wars trilogy in theatres, I dressed as Han Solo and went to go see A New Hope with my Dad. In middle school, I would often bike down to my local library to pick up Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom on VHS (since it was the only one they had) and often requested the other two movies from other libraries. I dressed up as Indiana Jones for the premiere of the fourth movie in 2008. Han Solo and Indiana Jones memorabilia adorn my wall. I love Indiana Jones and Han Solo so much that it has become a running joke in my a cappella group where I appear in our digital shorts as Indiana Jones Kid. It’s safe to say I know my stuff. But enough about how awesome I am for being so interested in imaginary movie characters and on to the task at hand:
Indiana Jones vs. Han Solo: Who is More Awesome?
1. Who has the cooler outfit?
Seeing as how I have dressed up as both of these amazing gentlemen, I have studied their outfits extensively. Indiana Jones has a fedora, leather jacket, brown pants, and sidesaddle bag. Han Solo has a vest and V-neck shirt. While I love vests and wear them as often as possible (especially sweater vests because they keep your core warm without having you arms overheat, not to mention how fly you look wearing one) you can’t beat a leather jacket AND a fedora. Also, the V-neck was always a little too deep and unnecessary. I don’t think a smuggler needs to be showing off his chest hair as much as Han did. However, Han’s outfit never threatened his life. How many times did Indiana Jones have to go back for his hat and almost died or lost an appendage because of it? Not to mention the fact that he was almost crushed to death when his bag was caught on the turret of the tank in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (this is because Indiana Jones wore his bag underneath his jacket so it didn’t fall off easily… yea, I told you I’m die hard). Even so it was still an awesome outfit and the fedora is iconic while the vest and V-neck were borderline creepy. Winner: Indiana Jones.
2. Who had the cooler sidekick?
Both Indiana Jones and Han Solo had many friends while they were on their adventures but we all know who their respective sidekicks were. Obviously, Han Solo’s sidekick was Chewbacca, the loveable wookie who would rip your arms out of their sockets if you beat him at Dejarik (the monster hologram chess game from A New Hope). Indiana Jones’ sidekick on the other hand was Short Round, the street-smart little boy from Shanghai who just wants to be like Indy. Even though Temple of Doom is my favorite of the trilogy, Short Round didn’t do wonders for me. He was always somewhat annoying and, much like the fedora, always got Indy into near death situations. Case and point. Short Round stepped on the stone that shut the doors on the room with the spikes of death, then was slow to react and prevented them from escaping even though Indiana Jones would have been able to escape had he been sans Short Round. Then Short Round causes the spikes and ceiling to come down by pushing yet another stone. Chewbacca on the other hand was constantly saving Han, whether it meant starting up the Millennium Falcon (“Chewie get us outta here!”) or guiding Han when he was trying to fight Boba Fett but was blind from being frozen in carbonite. Also, Han and Chewie’s relationship was sort of a bromance while Indy and Short Round had a father/son relationship. Han and Chewie would crack wise with each other and just be dudes (“Laugh it up fuzz ball”). The nail in the coffin for Short Round was that he just talked way too much and it got on people’s nerves. Even his “Indy, I love you,” though heartwarming, was a little off putting, especially because he burnt Indy with a torch after saying it. Chewie on the other hand, said very little and when he did speak, we didn’t understand him. However, when Han was frozen in carbonite and Chewie let out those guttural sounds that constitute the wookie language, you could feel how sad he was to have lost his best friend. Winner: Han Solo.
3. Who had the better love interest?
Indiana Jones and Han Solo considered themselves pretty smooth with the ladies and they were minus the whole getting punched in the face or being constantly berated and made fun of. However, let’s take a look at the women (or in Han’s case woman) who stole the hearts of our heroes. Indiana Jones had three women in his life over the course of the trilogy: Marion Ravenwood, Willie Scott, and Dr. Elsa Schneider. Three completely different women with different personalities. Schneider was working for the Nazis and wasn’t only able to seduce Indy but trick and double cross him so she’s not that cool. Plus there is the whole thing where she slept with Indy’s father to use him for the whereabouts of the Holy Grail (“She talks in her schleep”). Willie was a diva, oh man was she a diva. All she did was complain about everything. So what the elephant smells, get over it. Food was her most prominent complaint, even going as far as to insult the townspeople of the village and embarrassing Indy by not eating the guano given to her. I mean that was more food than those people ata in a week. They were starving. Then there is the whole dropping Indy’s gun out the window because she broke a nail, the fact that she is a gold digger who wanted to marry the Maharajah for his money. I could go on for days about how much she complained. Granted she did save Indy and Short Round from the spikes of death but (SHOCKER) she complained the whole time. Plus she’s married to Steven Spielberg now so she’s out. Marion was by far the best. She didn’t take any of Indiana Jones’ nonsense as evidenced by her punching him in the face when she first sees him in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Then she sneaks her way into becoming business partners with Indiana after a small fire destroyed her bar. Granted, she was also captured but she at least tried to escape by drinking Belloq under the table. Leia was similar in the sense that she didn’t take any of Han’s nonsense and constantly made fun of him for being a scoundrel. She even called him a nerf herder (one of her lesser insults if you ask me but still effective). She also saved Han on numerous occasions the most important ones being when she is first rescued by Han and Luke in A New Hope and she blasts open the grate that leads to the garbage disposal and when she dresses up as some cyborg bounty hunter to infiltrate Jabba the Hut’s fortress and free Han from his carbonite entrapment. However, Leia complained almost as much as Willie did, with the only difference being that she complained by making fun of something such as the Millennium Falcon (“Would it help if I got out and pushed?”) which made it rather enjoyable at times. Then there is the whole accidentally making out with your brother in front of Han Solo thing at the beginning on The Empire Strikes Back. But she was able to turn this scoundrel into a decent human being as evidenced by the fact that Han asked Chewie to look after her right before he was frozen in carbonite and he was even willing to step down so she could pursue a relationship with Luke (this was before he knew they were brother and sister). This was a close call and I couldn’t pick a winner because both women were awesome in their own rights. Tie: Indiana Jones/ Marion Ravenwood and Han Solo/ Princess Leia Organa
There were many other things that I took into account when making my final decision on the matter. Such as the fact that using a bullwhip is much cooler than using a blaster gun. The Millennium Falcon was the coolest vehicle in the Star Wars trilogy as opposed to the giant blimp used in The Last Crusade. Also, the Black Sleep of Kali Ma looked way more intense than being frozen in carbonite though both are pretty intense and cool. The list literally goes on for days. However, since this is a blog post and not a doctoral thesis I will spare you the nitty gritty details and give you the result:
The winner is… INDIANA JONES!!
That’s right folks through my research and studies I have found that Indiana Jones is more awesome than Han Solo. I mean he had a whole trilogy of movies based on him while Han Solo was just an awesome supporting character. Thank you for joining me on this academic adventure to a galaxy far, far away, then to the 1930s, and back again. Join me next week when I compare Jack Ryan from Patriot Games and Dr. Richard Kimble from The Fugitive.